Sportsradamus Has Spoken

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If you are reading this, then despite predictions to the contrary; the world did not end last Saturday. It thus seems entirely possible that regardless of their efforts to decipher the signs put forth in the Bible, the predictors of said apocalypse may have misinterpreted something along the way…

After all, it’s not like there is a calendar in there with a date circled in red magic marker. Right?

That got me thinking….I wondered if perhaps there are events in the world of sports that might signal the end of the world if and when they occurred. So I consulted noted prognosticator “Sportstradamus”, who smiled and said, “Yes, my son. There are such harbingers of doom”. To which I replied, “Great. I’m on a deadline…if I give you 20 bucks can I get a copy of the sacred scroll?”

Unfortunately for me it actually cost me 50.  So I hope you enjoy it….while there is still time!

 

  • Mike Tyson awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. He delivers an articulate and eloquent acceptance speech in a masculine baritone which in turn motivates Don King to donate all of his money to charity.
  • Two NBA all-stars are called for traveling in the same game. Mayhem ensues.
  • Athletes unite to sign a moratorium on referring to themselves in the third person. Only Ricky Henderson refuses to participate.
  • The Dominican Republic is renamed “Infieldlandia” and is purchased by the Steinbrenner family for the exclusive use of the Yankees. Not to be outdone in the press, Jerry Jones leads a successful coup and Texas withdraws from the United States. He immediately turns the city of Plano into a stadium that seats 2.5 million people. Now Mark Cuban is really mad….
  • The Cubs hang their 5th World Series banner in a row. Harry Carey’s bones are put on display in center field and worshipped by “take me out to the ballgame” chanting pilgrims during the seventh inning stretch.
  • The city of Los Angeles is awarded an NFL franchise based on the promise of Angelinos to not only attend every game….but to stay beyond half-time regardless of the score or how nice the weather is at the beach.
  • The NCAA men’s basketball tournament is won by a team with a starting line-up comprised entirely of fourth year seniors who are scheduled to graduate on time. Coach Calipari is very proud of them…
  • In a related event, Dick Vitale takes a vow of silence and learns American Sign Language. Somehow his hands still seem loud when he signs “BABY!”
  • Chris Berman actually says something you haven’t heard him say before…leaving even co-host Keyshawn Johnson speechless.
  • The National Press vote Atlanta as “#1 Fan Support Sports City in America”…

Huh. That last one might actually be worth seeing before the end of days….

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