Hard To Sell

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OK. I promised myself I wasn’t going to talk about the Hawks after they exited the playoffs (big surprise) in lackluster fashion. I mean…there is nothing I can say that’s creative or original and hasn’t been said ad infinitum (no heart, no leadership, no personality, no consistency, content with mediocrity, bad ownership etc. etc.). In fact; I’m pretty sure that horse is dead. A thousand times over. In fact it makes me tired just to think about it.

So I’m only going to break my promise a little….I’ll talk about the Hawks only to the extent that it leads us elsewhere (hopefully not to Winnipeg….Sorry. A little Thrashers humor. More on that in next week’s column).

It all started with something I heard on the radio the other a day. In the most drama-filled voice he could muster, the commercial voice-over guy tried to convince the listening audience that they should hurry and purchase season tickets for the Hawks….so that they could capitalize on the burning excitement around a team “that took Chicago all the way to game 6 in the second round of the playoffs”  Really???
I know we live in an age where every kid on the 6 year old soccer team gets a trophy and a ribbon, but this is supposedly a professional sports franchise. If you want me to part with a significant portion of my cash reserves, you are going to have to give me more than that. Indeed, I hope the advertising agency isn’t easily discouraged, because in my opinion, that’s a pretty hard product to sell….

Which got me thinking…what sports-related products could we dream up that would really challenge the advertising geniuses out there?  Here are a few “suggestions” for the ultimate in hard sells….

  • How about an Evander Holyfield signature line of condoms? OK….make it Shawn Kemp. Every 12 pack comes with an assortment of Father’s Day trading cards.
  • Perhaps “Calming” meditation tapes featuring Ozzie Guillen’s favorite post game remarks? All right…you might find them calming if you just sailed a small boat through a hurricane.
  • Maybe grab your copy of “Financial Planning for Dummies: Lenny Dykstra Edition”? Do I really need to add a punch line?
  • Try out the latest Al Davis “Anti-Aging” Health & Beauty Products? Buy a one month supply of lotion and we’ll throw in a pair of Raider season tickets.
  • Can’t live without the Pete Rose home haircut kit….? C’mon; it doubles as a fruit bowl…we’re willing to bet on it. Seriously; call the bookie.
  • You’ll look spectacular in the Bill Belichick designer clothing line…who knew gray was the new black? Includes an oversize pocket for your hidden video camera.
  • Need a perfect holiday gift? How about a Jim Tressel “Hot Wheels” car set? It comes complete with a set of Buckeye player action figures.

On second thought; maybe I’ll just buy the Hawks season tickets.

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